i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
