He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
