oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Come share oat with me in your robe
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
