running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
