Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
