I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
