I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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