my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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