he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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