His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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