Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
