in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
