This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
