I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
