ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
