when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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