she woke up with a sticky ear
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
