i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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