just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
