I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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