I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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