8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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