I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
