hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
