i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
