drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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