Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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