What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
