I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
