then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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