theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
