she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
