one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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