I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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