Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
