We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
