i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
