I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
