just come out here and I will go home with you...
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
