News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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