did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
