We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
