Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
