Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
