I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Fuck appropriateness.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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