who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
