the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
