so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
