Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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