I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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