I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
