Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
