gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
